Confrontation
by penchou
Summary: She just wants everything back to the way it was. [one-sided lapidot]
1. Confrontation

The first time they met for a long time, it didn't turn out so well.

It obviously turned sour pretty fast when Lapis finds her arms pinning Peri under her, their faces just a few centimeters away from each other and the blue haired girl can already feel her best friend take a small gasp under her breath. Her green eyes wide open with a hint of a rage, something she knows for the many years they have been friends that she isn't liking it one bit.

Lapis doesn't even seem to remember how it led to all this.

"Lapis," she hears the steady tone of the blonde and the moist breath hits her right in the face but she didn't dare break her gaze. "What do you think you're doing?"

She takes into account that nobody has yet entered the room, the darkness outside Peri's window contrasting to the bright light emanating from the room's light bulb. It's also late by now and that they should be sleeping but _damn it_ she hates the thick coat of tension in the room and this is the first thing she thinks of doing. Personal space be damned.

"Lapis," Peri speaks again, her tone hinting out the warning that she isn't liking this one bit, not at all.

The taller of the two takes note of the furrowed brows and her squinting eyes, remembering Peri taking off her glasses probably thinking that they were finally gonna sleep. Although, her sight is not as sharp, Lapis can still see the quiet fury behind her friend's green eyes. She almost looks so sad, and confused.

"Tell me."

That takes the blonde out of her silent seething, only bringing her out for a temporary number of seconds before finally catching on to what the taller one is trying to do. Her eyes now expressing the wariness. She does not speak and Lapis takes this as a cue to continue.

"Do you –" she whispers, making the words low enough for only Peridot to hear. "Do you still like me?"

Just like that, a spark hit the blonde, widening her eyes a fraction of what it was before gritting her teeth in frustration, her hands twisting in the blue haired girl's hands for escape from the hold, and when she felt that she isn't loosening from the taller one's hold, she exclaims. "Get off me Lapis!"

Of course, Lapis does not, only tightening her hold on her. It was merely impossible for the blonde to escape the hold since Peridot was by no means athletic or had any physically affinity unlike the other which is a swimmer.

Muttering out expletives under her breath, trying to get herself as much space away from her captor as she tries to resist, she feels her eyes beginning to moist but she tried her hardest not to let it out.

"Just let me go, Lapis." It is all but a silent plea, her movements growing slower and soon it stopped. "Let me go, _please_."

"Not until you answer me." Her stare hard and firm and she can feel Peridot squirm in her place, looking at her side to avoid it. "Look at me, Peridot."

She does not listen.

"Look at me." She sharpens her voice, earning a quiet squeak from the blonde and a reluctant turn to get her to look back at her, and at that moment Lapis feels bad. She looks at her friend, probably scared and at wits end. Softly speaking, she tries to soften her gaze. "Peridot please."

"Do you still like me?"

She sees Peridot slowly gulp at her own saliva, unsure of what to say. The blonde again looks anywhere but her, hoping probably for a miracle to get her out of their current situation.

Then she mutters something all but too quietly but Lapis' sharpened senses heard it nonetheless. "So what if I do?"

Although the answer may have been expected, she herself doesn't know what to do. Sighing she lets go of her hold and sits up cross legged away from her. Peri proceeds to do the same but only pressing herself closer to the wall, staying away from the other as far as possible.

She watches as the shorter fiddle with her fingers, the soles of her feet much more interesting to her now. The expression on her face is now blank, as if blocking her emotions from escaping, not wanting the blue haired girl to know.

She stares at her do all this, mentally slapping herself for not seeing it much sooner. Lapis sighs and hugs her legs together, burying her face on her knees. How could she be so stupid.

"I didn't want this to happen." The rough voice of her friend breaks her from her thoughts and she looks up from her knees to find Peridot playing with her feet, head lowered to avoid looking at her.

Lapis listens quietly, choosing to let the other express herself.

"We were 15." Peri started, rubbing her legs in comfort, "It was during the party Steven and the gang decided to throw up. We had so much fun dancing and laughing. Heck, even Pearl _of all people_ decided to show her flip side." Lapis hears the chuckle coming from the blonde. Smiling to herself, she remembers Pearl going all out on her karaoke performance, drunk. It was a good memory.

"But the thing was," Lapis frowns at this, not at all excited to remember what happened later on during that party all those years ago. "You told me earlier that night that _she–_ " Lapis quietly thanks her friend for not saying the name, "–wouldn't come and even if you assured me that you're alright, I couldn't shake the feeling off that something will go wrong."

Scoffing, Lapis blurts out "And it did." Earning a concerned glance from her companion.

"Yeah, it did." Peridot repeats.

"So when I found you in the bathroom, washing the tears off your red eyes, I was so worried," the blonde grits her teeth, unable to contain the anger boiling in her gut upon recollecting the memory. She hated it, she hated that night because of it, she hated Jasper so much after that night. "and mad. _Stars_ , I would have walked out of the room and _skinned her alive_ , after you told me that you saw her just minutes before."

"I was seething." She hisses, clenching her fists so tight, her knuckles turned white and red crescents started to carved out of her palm's skin.

Breathing deeply, she lets loose of her hold, and exhales. It's funny how much of the event affected her. It has been over four freaking years now. She sees Lapis resisting to reach out for her, an impulse whenever the blonde lets herself get swayed with her emotions.

"I had no right, though." She laughs at the thought, she knew she can't just barge in to the relationship of the two. "Instead, I just listened to you rant about it all, hiding my intent to kill the stupid clod who hurt you. Trying my best to make you happy just by talking to me."

"Honestly, just thinking about it makes me wished I did it." She mutters, an after-thought. Lapis smiles at this, only to drop it once she sees the blank look on her friend.

Yes, even after all this time, she still looks at her as a friend, and it makes the blue haired girl wince in guilt.

"I didn't realize it back then but once I got home, I couldn't shake the feeling why I began feeling that way. Why I wanted to just be with you all the time and protect you from those who hurt you."

"The morning after, I realized my feelings for you and the rest is history."

Her story ended and silenced reigned the room. With Peri finally resting her head on her hands from exhaustion while Lapis stares at her, uncertain on how to react.

She remembers two years later after the party, Peridot rushing to her in her lockers, shoving a small piece of folded paper onto her hands, yelling. "Read this when you're alone!" Before rushing away from her, leaving her with much confused thoughts, till two days later she understands why the shorter girl was all red and fidgety.

Sighing, Peridot stands up and gets off her bed, grabbing her glasses, she takes her pillow and a blanket with her. Lapis watches this, confusion etched on her face. "Peri, where are you going?"

The blonde turns to her back, glancing at the girl she crushed on since then. "Living room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch, my bed's all yours." She says before turning the knob of her door and steps out of her room.

Leaving Lapis to her own devices which is to say, none. So, it's quite understandable for her to not be able to get lulled into sleep when there's so many thoughts swirling in her mind right now.

 _She's walking alone by herself circling around the park she's so accustomed to roam when she has a lot of things in mind when she sees Steven walk towards her, holding a nervous Peridot behind him. She hears her mutter incoherent curses under her breath probably towards the smaller teen leading her towards the person she has been avoiding for about three days._

" _Oh, Steven." she greets the boy, deciding to ignore the other person near him. If she feels uncomfortable about the situation of being forced to talk to her, she doesn't want to seem as too straightforward about it._

" _Hey, Lapis." He greets back, waving at her, finally letting go of his hold of Peridot. Closing on her, he lowers his voice so that only Lapis would hear._

" _Look, Peri wants to talk to you and please be careful with her. She's not taking it well." He subtly eyes their third companion, worry evident in his eyes. Nodding, Lapis tries to follow his advice knowing for a fact that the blonde is very emotionally unstable._

" _Of course." Is all she replies. Patting him in the shoulder, she leaves him and joins the lone blonde who is back to looking down at her hands, fiddling with an imaginary object._

" _Hey," she greets Peridot, making the shorter girl suddenly flinch._

 _Peridot looks at her, unsure of what to do and she can see the red tinging the side of her neck. Awkwardly, she waves at her. "Hi."_

 _Feeling the need to walk the tension off, she let her legs move and the blonde follows after her. They proceed to follow the paved cement of the park, admiring the trees, plants and grass forms giving the area an almost therapeutic atmosphere. She likes staying in here when it gets too much harder to bear her silent problems._

 _It's ironic when she realizes that she's still feeling the tense air between them two._

" _Come on, Peridot." she laughs it off at first, "Don't get so awkward with me now!"_

 _Said person stiffly chuckles at her, "Okay."_

 _The chuckles dies down and the suffocating silence comes back in. Lapis wishes that she had a clear answer already. "So…"_

 _Peridot turns to look at her, repeating her word. "So?"_

" _How long?"_

 _Freezing up for only just a second, she hesitantly answers. "Two years ago."_

" _Oh."_

 _Feeling a bit of discouraged, Peridot looks down at her front but she wills herself not to break. No, not now._

" _That long, huh?" she hears Lapis speak, a teasing tone to her voice but she knows when the girl is trying to take this heartfully._

" _Yeah, that long." She softly smiles to herself._

 _Silence._

…

" _Look," Peridot starts, and Lapis turns to look at her, "I don't care if you hate me right now but I just wanted to tell you this."_

" _You can stop being my friend if you don't like where this is going and it's okay. I know I'm screwing our friendship up just because of my stupid feelings but I just needed you to know." She explains, looking at the taller girl, eye to eye now hoping that she'd understand and even if she'd stop being her friend, Peridot hopes – prays – that she'd give her a chance._

" _Peridot, I…" Lapis is now the one playing with her hands, uncertain on how to answer her. Sure she's her friend and doesn't want to let go of it but sometimes she feels that maybe that she can see her as something more but right now? She's not so sure._

" _It's okay," the blonde cuts her off, putting up her finger to stop her, Lapis shuts her mouth and Peridot takes this as a cue to continue. "I don't need an answer."_

" _You don't have to answer me right now."_

 _Lapis is tempted to retort back but she finally takes note of the darker rings under her friend's swollen red eyes. God, she looks so tired and so weary. Nodding, she gives in to her wish._

" _Alright,"_

That night, the blue haired girl doesn't sleep.

* * *

Waking up from the couch leaves the blonde sore and groaning. Peridot wonders why they kept their stiff of a couch for a long time. Rubbing her head, she regrets moving to the couch, apologizing to her poor back.

Checking the wall clock, she finds the time to be a quarter past eight in the morning. Realizing that she hasn't prepared breakfast for the both of them, she heads to her kitchen but before that she decides to check up on her visitor.

Gently knocking on the door, she patiently waits for Lapis to answer. She waits for a few moments when she realized that Lapis probably hasn't woken up. She leaves for the kitchen instead.

They should really talk about it later on.

* * *

 _idk if i'm gonna continue this but for now i'm gonna leave it as complete. onto other stuff, human emotions are dumb and so am i. what else is new?_


	2. Contemplation

_took a while to update, i know, but at least i finally finished this. though this is supposedly to be a two-shot but it got longer so it's now 4 chapters._

* * *

Lapis wakes up to the delicious smell of pancakes and eggs in the morning. Although she's not fully awake, she can smell the delicious aroma wafting in the air. She stirs in her place and rubs the sleep off her eyes before she remembers where she is.

Adjusting her eyes to the bright light in the room, no doubt from the open windows letting the sun in, the blue haired girl lets out a yawn and inspects her surroundings. The space beside her is empty, the pillow and blanket missing in their space and she remembers that she's in Peridot's house for an overnight.

 _An overnight that left a sour taste in my mouth,_ she thinks to herself and sighs.

She wants to go back to sleep and never wake up again, but then again she realizes that she is in fact not in her room but of her blonde best friend's. Her best friend who, I don't know, has a crush, slash, feelings for her.

 _God, I'm so stupid_.

Really, that's what she thinks of herself right now. She is stupid and inconsiderate of her best friend, and she really wants to help the shorter girl, really, she does, but how could she when does not even know what to say to her. The awkwardness and tension only filling the space between the two especially when they are alone.

Lapis wants to say yes, really, she does, if only to make Peri happy but she is unsure. Uncertain whether she wants them to be more than just friends, more than just having a platonic relationship, uncertain whether she wants to be in a relationship and honestly that frightens her. She is a coward. Always have and always will be and the prospect of establishing and ' _committing'_ – _damn, just even thinking about the implication of the word terrifies her_ – makes her feel suffocated, makes her feel chained to obligations. She's not really prepared for one.

Hell, she does not even have an answer.

It is also does not help Lapis that she uses Peridot as an emotional bin, as someone who she deeply trusts about her own personal problems, a means of venting out her own frustrations and negativity. A privilege her shorter friend got the chance to have. Talking to her about anything in particular was very helpful to ease Lapis' mind off of her own inner turmoil, and right now, when the tension is unsurprisingly high and suffocating, Lapis feels like a jerk for wanting to escape and hide from the situation.

Lapis, first and foremost, is someone who does not and cannot face her own problems head on but seeing the hurt in her best friend sends a ball of guilt in her gut.

She feels so selfish, to be honest, but remembering the hopeful look in Peridot's eyes when Lapis wants nothing else but to run away from their situation forces her to make a decision, forces her to finally face their dilemma…

...and truthfully, she's scared that it might not be at all the closure Peridot needed.

Lapis releases another sigh under her breath and plops down on the comfy bed, getting the feel to just laze around for the meantime. She can just pretend that's she still asleep but as seconds pass by, her thoughts turn back to the owner of the bed she's lying on.

She knows Peridot won't make the first move. The blonde's emotions too unstable after finally letting out all her feelings and inner thoughts on how and when it really started. Lapis doesn't blame her for it, really. She didn't know and it really was just a flaw in her part for leading Peridot on. After all they've been through, it was an error in Lapis' part for being too affectionate to her but she can't deny that the both of them have been lately deprived of such frivolous matters, judging by the wistful and unsatisfied stares the blonde gives her when Lapis thinks she's not looking.

Though thinking about it makes a certain part in her heart ache, she remembers those simple moments all those years ago when they would just stay up late-night chatting with each other about anything in particular. Whether it be about Camp Pining Hearts – an old tv series they shared a passion for, and partially the reason why they became the best of friends – or their aspirations in the future – Lapis tells her of wanting to become an artist, and Peri in turn, an astronomer – and among other stuff until they had to go to sleep. Whatever it was, it didn't matter to the both of them because during those times it was totally fine as long they had each other.

So, when Peri confessed it truly caused a sudden change into their relationship. At first, Lapis was understanding for every time her shorter friend avoided her gaze, always flitting about any object in sight but never her. It was reasonable. Peridot needed time to recover and Lapis let her; but as the days goes on where she would willingly avoid her entirely, always making an excuse to leave the room whenever they're together, Lapis knows that it might not be too long before they ultimately stop staying in touch.

Days turns to weeks, weeks turns to months, and before she knew it, Lapis had gone two full years without contacting Peridot for the first time.

It was a betrayal. It felt like she was being stabbed in the back, like she was being chained in the bottom of the sea, suffocating, drowning and nowhere to escape. To Lapis, it _hurt_. She felt like she was dropped mid air and to her, this is nothing more than someone breaking their promise.

Of course, she had to hide these negative thoughts and the growing grudge against her friend because she had to be the empathetic one out of the two because from their time together, Peridot has always been the one to listen to her rants and vents, always been the shoulder for her to cry on, and she had always been the one to shrug away her own problems only focusing on helping Lapis.

Sometimes she wonders how often the blonde had been thinking about her. Obviously, Lapis thinks about her too but in this case when Peridot has been holding such feelings for far too long – something Lapis wishes it would not progress into something more – she can't help but curse her own stupid pride for not attempting to patch up the rift the both of them had caused.

Huffing, she combs her hands through her electric blue hair. The past year she had dyed it as some sort of rebirth. An artistic symbol of renewal. As cliché as it sounds, Lapis needs a reminder to not look back at the past. A physical reminder to always look forward, knowing that whatever had been done has been done and that there is no changing that. Which is why seeing the surprised look on Peridot's face brings a triumphant grin to her face.

The week before, she was just strolling in her favorite park looking at nothing in particular when she was suddenly lurched forward. The abrupt motion caused her to lose balance and just as she was about to hit a nearby pole, a hand caught her wrist and helped steadied her. Lapis remembers mumbling a 'thank you' until she finally sees the person who helped her only to grow still at the sight of familiar green eyes and blonde hair.

The shorter one also froze in place once she realized who she had run into. Apparently, she didn't know it was her, the long gone dark brown of her hair replaced by its artificial blue dye. Of course, she hadn't recognized her.

"Blue?" was her first words and Lapis couldn't help but snicker at her reaction. Her eyebrows and nose were scrunched up in an annoyed curiosity and truthfully it was too good not to laugh at. "Really, Lazuli?"

Of course, she had the time to crack a sarcastic joke. Take Peridot to break the ice. Chuckling at her comment, Lapis rolls her eyes. "Hello to you too."

And then the rest of that day was spent catching up on each other. They went strolling around the park before moving themselves to a coffee shop to be more well acquainted again after two years of no contact. It felt natural for the both of them, that their conversation and interaction does not feel at all awkward after all that has happened. Like none of the avoidance on either side had happened. They are best friends – are and still are – after all. Never mind that the last time they interacted left with a sour note. It was truthfully relieving, and she really missed it

Which is why she was not at all surprised to hear her shorter friend an invite for an overnight in her house. Anyways, she had grown accustomed to staying the night over Peridot's and happily agreed, not knowing the possible scenarios would occur.

Ahh… and now her thoughts and emotions are a mess.

Grumbling, Lapis turns on her side and punches the pillow in annoyance. What the hell should she do now? She closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, reluctantly sitting up on the bed. Even if she's in turmoil over the whole matter and wants nothing more than to just lay down and sleep, she is still a guest in this house and has to get up even if she does not want to.

Combing her fingers through her bedhead, Lapis slowly stands up from the bed and dutifully arranges the bed sheets. After she's done, she gives one final look around Peridot's room to see if there are any misplaced objects. Finding none, Lapis breathes in deeply before releasing it, and she walks out the door.

Hopefully, she can handle the repercussions of her action last night.


End file.
